We all want to feel like we have control over our lives and youth are no different. Their experiences through the foster care system have deprived them of choices. They will be looking for ways to regain control over their bodies and their lives. By providing a safe space for them to talk about their struggles and offering guidance for traversing them, we can
mitigate power struggles and negative behaviors.
We should be empathetic to the reality of their situations by asking ourselves how we would feel instead of why they feel the way that they do. As advocates for the youth, it is important to make efforts to begin to understand what issues they face individually and together. Our voices should amplify their needs and concerns by raising awareness and increasing support, our voices should not shroud them.
Every youth is unique and worthy of care, attention, and personalized guidance. They should be given as many opportunities as possible to voice their opinions and talk about their ambitions to develop the confidence and knowledge so they may have the best chance of achieving their goals.
It is important to ask them what expectations they have for themselves. Sometimes our expectations of them will interfere with who they are and what they want out of life. This conflict can make them feel like they are being unfairly judged or that we aren’t accepting of who they are.
Something so simple as asking questions and listening without judgement can have a positive effect on rapport. From there we can establish a plan together, offering suggestions instead of giving orders so they have a say in how that goal can manifest so that it feels obtainable while still being challenging. If we are left to choose for them, our expectations can feel out of reach to them, leading to feelings of self-doubt and insufficiency. What we really want to do is find out what motivates them and work together to utilize that drive to accomplish the most.
It is also important to show them that there are multiple routes to get to any given place in life. There may also be times in which we must accept that our way may not be the right way for them because our experiences are not theirs. During these times, we can help them navigate by providing them with alternate options. College isn’t for everyone, maybe they’ll want to join the military, or be interested in a certain trade, or want to explore different opportunities. Help them by finding information about whatever they’re interested in and encouraging their curiosity.
Everyone has received help in their lives albeit from a loving parent or an encouraging teacher/mentor. A specific act of kindness may stand out in your memory from somebody that inspired you when you were younger, an act that helped you through something difficult or pushed you toward making a decision that changed your life. It was likely a moment that was worth remembering because of the compassion that it made you feel, like you were respected as a person and that you were receiving guidance from somebody that truly cared about you.
Offering choices doesn’t mean allowing them to be lazy or showing them how to get out of responsibility. It means showing them that there are always choices to be made and that their choices will have an impact on their lives. It means showing how information can lead to more informed decision making.
If they don’t want to clean their room, it may not be worth arguing over, it is their choice to make, but choices are not without consequences. Give them the option to clean their room which comes with the reward of having pride in their personal space or to elect not to which may come with an equitable consequence. And when that expectation is set, follow through. Show that they are ultimately responsible for their experiences and their lives.
Ask them what consequence they might expect from not cleaning their room, allowing them to set their own expectations. This will establish a sense of fairness and trust while allowing them to incentivize cleaning their room in their own way. Rather than to be upset at their dirty room, praise others who have done it already, showing that they will receive equal praise once they meet the requirements.
In their adult lives, they won’t receive praise for these minute things, but once they are aware that what they’ve done is praiseworthy they can take pride in themselves and their actions. This exercise also works to help them derive their own understanding of their motivations for whatever challenges they face, giving themselves a reward for doing well while knowing and understanding what negatives come from opting out. An example of this may be going to the gym as adults, knowing that the goal is to be stronger and healthier, but it starts with a choice to make a routine to go.
We should use real world examples to communicate the importance of making responsible informed decisions. They will need to be able to recognize when their actions may have unexpected consequences and how they affect others also. Give them opportunities to learn that making better choices leads to the better outcomes while poor choices lead to worse ones.
If the path they're on isn't working for them, help them to pave their own.
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