Failure presents us with opportunities that we weren’t expecting. It teaches us lessons about our limitations and can guide us toward self-growth if we choose to view it in that way.
But if we don’t accept it or shirk the responsibility for our own lives, that pivotal learning opportunity cannot happen in the same way. Instead, it glows like a neon sign that we hold above our own heads as a signal of inadequacy.
In schools, it is taught that adequacy is something that can be measured with a grade and failure is the result of not being good enough or not trying hard enough. And while there is some truth to a lack of trying culminating in failure, it is not always the case. Sometimes a fear of failure results in a lack of trying.
“If I fail when I’m not trying, it's due to my lack of effort. If I tried my hardest and failed, it would be more devastating.”
When teaching accountability and responsibility, it is our duty to hold youth accountable, but we must also avoid humiliating them for trying. They shouldn’t fear failing, they should instead be concerned with not applying themselves. How will they know that they’re great at something if they’ve decided that they won’t be? They can’t, they won’t.
As adults, it is easy to convince children that every F is a catastrophe and that every A is to be expected because we feel that every student is capable of more. It’s a noble thought, but it communicates that we only care about a child if they’re meeting our expectations, it tells them that if they aren’t performing accordingly, we don’t love them. Of course, that may be the opposite of how we feel but such is the consequence of our own behaviors and actions.
How do we correct this?
We invest in them; we must make them feel that we are there to celebrate every victory together and that we will help them overcome any obstacle. As mentors, we are responsible for building the confidence of our mentees, and how can we do that if we only comment on their flaws?
Truthfully, there are many variables that are out of their control that they may be quick to identify as the cause of their problems, but we must remind them that they are in control of their lives and of the consequences of their actions.
If a change needs to be made for a better opportunity at success, we must change what we can before looking outward at that which we cannot.
We are all fallible and are emotional beings, that is not something that we grow out of, and we should communicate that to youth. We adapt to the challenges that we face and should look for support when needed. We don’t expect perfection, we expect effort and accountability.
Teaching accountability and responsibility transcends school as it is valuable in every aspect of life. It shows principle and builds character to own up to mistakes as it provides a chance to analyze where the issues lie so we may correct them.
We must also lead by example as we should always do when providing mentorship. Own up to your own mistakes, show how it can and should be done as adults. It gives them a chance to see that years of experience still lead to mistakes being made, but also show them how you intend to fix them. Talk about similar mistakes you have made in the past and how you addressed them.
Anything can be a learning opportunity, especially failure, if you choose to see it that way. Teach that consequences aren’t because they’re bad people, its to help them to be better people. They shouldn’t do something due to a fear of discipline, they should do things because they’re the right things to do. People that need help should receive it and shouldn’t be shamed for asking.
For clarity, this does not mean to downplay or justify their actions nor to handhold, but to help them understand how their actions have led to a certain outcome. It means to praise positive actions that lead to positive outcomes and to make a plan to correct wrongs they’ve done. It means to analyze the severity of their actions and act accordingly with a calm, purposeful approach and not to overreact.
If we don’t hold them accountable, we are ultimately doing them a disservice. They deserve to know what was wrong or right about their actions so they can reflect on them to hold themselves more accountable in the future.
We are preparing youth to eventually grow up and become self-sufficient members of society. We want to provide them with as many tools as possible so they may govern themselves in a way that helps them become the people they want to be. We want them to recognize opportunities and seek guidance when needed but also to think ahead for themselves before making decisions that may result poorly. And when a poor outcome does occur, we want them to ask themselves:
“How could this have been prevented?”
“What can I learn from it to keep it from happening again?”
“How do I correct it?”
And if they’re unsure, we will always be here to help them come to their own conclusions. Not to justify nor catastrophize, but to help them gain insight into their mistakes, make better decisions, and grow through compassion and understanding.
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