Compassion
Children in foster care come from less than fortunate circumstances and may have experienced unimaginable trauma early in life. Research about growing up in underprivileged environments supports the idea that it will likely have lasting effects throughout their lives, understandably.
Sometimes it is easier to look at a child that is displaying behavioral difficulties and think that the behavior defines them, but it doesn’t. Behavior can come to be as a response to other stimuli in their lives; fear, anger, distrust, feeling unsafe, not getting their basic needs met, and so on. Children use these behaviors to show that something is wrong and to cope with it if they don’t feel like they have another outlet.
Children that have experienced trauma are no different. In fact, a child from this background may have a hard time trusting adults at all. And just like any other kind of relationship, trust develops over time. But the last thing that we would want to do is hold their behaviors against them. What we want to do is praise positive behaviors and offer alternative, healthy behaviors to their negative ones.
Having compassion means:
Providing growth opportunities instead of placing judgement or blame upon them. They developed unhealthy coping mechanisms as a way to keep themselves safe and to get by, that isn’t their fault.
Teaching that there are better ways to handle situations while communicating your concerns with their problematic behaviors, giving an alternative.
Remind them of your reasonable expectations of them and consider their expectations of you. Every healthy relationship is two-sided.
Listen. Oftentimes we react poorly to situations because we feel that it may be the only way to get the attention that we want, so give them chances to talk and really listen to what they’re saying and feeling.
Ask questions. Ask what they want to achieve, ask what they’re interested in, ask what they need/want, ask how they can handle the next situation better. Don’t always give the answers, let them find them for themselves.
Tell them you’re proud of them when they do something great or make progress. Show them that you’re paying attention when they’re succeeding too. It is meaningful.
Don’t make them feel afraid of failure, help them to learn from mistakes the way you wish someone would have done more for you.
Hold nothing against them and take nothing personal. They may tell you they hate you today, but they’re thank you tomorrow and you have to accept that.
Respect
When a child walks in the front door, they deserve respect. They deserve to be protected and taught healthy ways of living their lives and deserve to have guidance even if they may not have asked for it. And have respect for who they are and who they will become.
The adult is not so quickly entitled to it. Adults in their lives have likely found ways to let them down and they don’t know who will let them down next. Understand that defenses are made because of offenses.
Nothing can take that respect from them. Think back to being a child and having decisions made for you or otherwise feeling disrespected and disenfranchised. Don’t make them feel that way. It is always favorable to offer choices when at all possible. If they made a choice and they’re unhappy with it, they can be reminded that they had another option, because there is always another option and life is made up of the choices that we make.
Show them respect and take care of their needs always and respect will be earned.
this does not mean that excuses should be made for poor behaviors, they should be addressed and helped. It is a disservice not to correct bad behaviors before they get worse and lead them into trouble.
This does not mean that children are allowed to dodge accountability, it means teaching them how to own up to their actions and set them right.
It does not mean allowing them to victimize others, it means teaching the value of consent at all stages.
It does not mean to coddle them, but to show them how resiliant and capable they are and what they can achieve.
And when mistakes are made by us, we want to model how to do these things and acknowledge our own fallibility.
We all should strive to continue growing as people, should all make attempts to be better and do better not just for ourselves, but for others. And on our own path to self-actualization, we should encourage the youth to walk alongside us, mentoring them to do and be better than we were at their age. Their potential is immeasurable and their value is not defined by what they did yesterday, but who they choose to be tomorrow.
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