When we consider our futures and set goals for ourselves, there is always an intrinsic motivation guiding us toward setting and working toward achieving those goals. We ask ourselves what we want to accomplish and think about what achieving those goals might do for us. Perhaps the goals are to advance in a career, be more health conscious, spend more time with loved ones, or take time to ourselves.
But whatever they are, consider the ‘whys’, the ‘why nots’, and the ‘what ifs’.
The future can be intimidating, riddled with so much uncertainty due to the ‘what ifs’.
“What if I attend that first date and they don’t like me?”
“What if I have something stuck in my teeth?”
Alternatively, consider the ‘whys’ and the ‘why nots’.
“Why did they agree to meet me?”
“Why not go?”
Regardless of how aware of it we may be, we do this regularly to help us decide and accomplish just about any task. Sometimes it can help motivate us to do something great for ourselves, but then again sometimes it works against us due to fear.
“What if we really like each other?”
“Why not apply for that promotion?”
But also, “Why bother?”
“Why not stay, I’m comfortable here.”
Think about what has motivated decisions in the past as well. Why did you decide to purchase a vehicle? Was it to express your taste in vehicles or simply commute?
Thinking this way allows for metacognitive interactions that allow us to understand ourselves better. But continuing down this line of reasoning can also help youth to make more informed decisions for themselves. They are likely to not understand why they behave the way that they do, why they feel out of control of their emotions at times and are prone to reacting before really thinking.
If they’ve experienced trauma in their lives, it is likely that their major motivation is to get their basic needs met for survival. They steal food due to experiencing food insecurity or act out to receive attention if they’ve been neglected.
Beginning to stop and question ourselves is a valuable step in understanding the behaviors of others. This allows us ample space to think before reacting and it models it for youth as well. It can help us to react more rationally rather than emotionally regardless of the situation. It is important to be calm and remind ourselves that we are in control of ourselves and nothing more. The same should be taught to the youth.
What we do to advance those mindful practices can also help improve our moods and cut through tense situations.
Understand that behaviors emerge to help us adapt to traumatic experiences. Behavior is an adaptation, not a pathology.
If somebody experiences the loss of a loved one early in their lives, they may become estranged from others to avoid connections that may lead to a similar outcome. However, if they’re given the proper support and compassion right away, they may not feel the need to adapt with isolation.
Remember that youth that have experienced trauma are more reluctant to trust others as a result from their trauma. Consider what can be done to mitigate their risk of re-traumatization and grow the rapport with them to show that trust and growth are possible with support.
It is an uphill battle taking on the behaviors without understanding the motivations for them. Instead, refocus motivations from the past to the future. It is hard to think very far ahead as a young person with little to base their understanding of the world on. They may make negative assumptions of the future but it is important to remind them of what they're working towards and what they're capable of achieving. Remind them of the growth they've accomplished so far and praise their efforts to do better for themselves instead of criticizing the actions they've made in the past.
We want to encourage self-reflection and metacognition during times of stress to promote better decision-making and healthier outcomes. Once they realize that you're on their side, they'll be more willing to open up and challenge themselves.
And with these practices in place, we can begin to understand them and ourselves better as people and be more compassionate as a result. So when you're having a hard day, stop and think about what you're trying to accomplish and remind yourself how far you've come instead of dwelling on your mistakes. These practices must be role-modeled first.
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