Children and teens are resilient. They will always know more than they’re given credit for and can read people better than many adults because they’ve adapted those skills for survival. Some skills will assist them throughout their lives, but some may get them into trouble.
It may seem strange to say that children and teens adapt for their survival, but it is true. You may never fully know the extent of their trauma and that is probably best, but their unique challenges have led them to adapt in order to get by. Don’t mistake these behaviors for a lost cause, challenge them and show them that they are in control of their lives for better or for worse.
As a disclaimer, it is important to note that all listed tips are subjective to the person, their needs, and the circumstances. It is always best to listen to the advice of professionals that know them.
It will always be recommended first and foremost to provide opportunities for them to speak with licensed therapists that will work with them based on their needs. It can be dangerous to allow them to self-diagnose struggles or to diagnose them yourself. When a child or teen is in foster care, they most often are accompanied by team of social workers and other professionals that can help appoint the appropriate people for them to talk to.
With that said, here are 7 tips that can have a valuable impact on forming and maintaining healthy relationships with children and teens in care. They follow a trauma informed approach to validating their needs and helping them cope with the profound challenges they face. These tips can help on a day-to-day basis and occasionally in crisis moments.
1. Listen
Sometimes people just need to vent. The same can be said for anyone expressing frustrations, allow time and a safe space to learn about their distress and concerns. If they feel unheard, it is a recipe for additional behavioral struggles. Saying things like, “what I’m hearing you say is this… is that right?” shows that you’re listening and that you’re actively engaged in the conversation. It also helps open communication to prevent misunderstanding.
2. Validate their feelings
If they trust you enough to open up, don’t dismiss their feelings. They are valid regardless of how you may feel about the issues that they’re having. Nothing that you can say will change how they feel. But be sure to challenge cognitive distortions and intrusive thoughts that may lead to poor decision making. “That must be difficult for you, let’s make a plan to make it through the evening and then we can check in tomorrow to see if you’re still feeling that way” and “These feelings are temporary, but I’m here for you” are effective ways to show that you’re invested in their emotional wellbeing.
3. Be patient
Nobody gets better overnight; trauma can affect the way people view the world and how they live their lives. They should know that you’ll be there for them when they’re ready. Don’t push too hard, give them the chance to come to you and intervene appropriately if you have concerns.
4. Give them choices
Change is hard enough as it is, but limiting their ability to choose can make them feel unsafe. Choices can be in the form of selecting their activities, meals, snacks, or when giving them chances to avoid negative outcomes. When they are doing something they know they shouldn’t be, give them a choice to fix the issue immediately and inform them of the potential consequences if they choose not to.
5. Provide encouragement
This can be very powerful. They may be prone to having a low self-esteem and it is important to help them build their confidence by reinforcing their positive behaviors and actions. Show that you’re paying attention to their efforts to improve and challenge them. Saying things like: “I’ve noticed that you have been doing better in school, what have you been doing differently? … That is incredible, you’re doing so well, keep it up” and “I appreciate that you’ve really been trying to stay out of arguments with your peers, you seem happier and I’m proud of your effort” can go a long way in motivating them.
6. Make sure their needs are being met
This should be a given, but when their needs are being met, it helps them feel safe. When they aren’t getting appropriate clothing, housing, food, water, access to the restroom, and their safety isn’t guaranteed, it makes sense that they would have a harder time trusting. When their needs are being met, they are more likely to be receptive and accepting. Even during crisis, asking what they need can help calm them calm down, knowing that you’re concerned for their wellbeing even when it is inconvenient.
7. Give them their space (in their room or other safe, observable space)
They aren’t likely used to being inundated by strangers. You likely would be uncomfortable in that scenario as well, it is understandable. So, try to avoid overwhelming them, no one likes feeling trapped or backed into a corner. Sometimes it is appropriate to give them space to process, otherwise they may act unpredictably. If they’re irate, let them know you’re there for them and that you’ll check up on them to be sure they are okay. In crisis, constant supervision is recommended to avoid harm or recklessness, but tell them that you’re there because you’re worried, not because they aren’t trusted. Once they’re in a more stable place, make a plan for the rest of the evening outlining what they’ll do to keep busy and what they will do to stay safe to instill a sense of trust.
There are many ways to help children and teens and these tips should help gain perspective as to how. Understand too that it is a thankless job and to never expect their gratitude, they will give it when they’re ready. Remain transparency and build rapport, if your heart is in the right place, they will come to know it.
And never forget that we are all fallible, mistakes will be made on all ends, but be accountable and learn from them. Forgive yourself and lead by example.
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